[PanicZone] Hi everyone, I'm new
Hi there,
My name is Christy and I am a 27 year old from Kansas. I wanted to write and introduce myself.
When I was ages 16-21, I believe I suffered from generalize anxiety with occasional anxiety attacks. I had a few phobias (airplanes, water if I couldn't see the bottom, places where I felt like I couldn't escape from...) but my major "symptom" was a constant fear of night time. I never really understood it fully because it was something that I just got used to. I was able to handle night time by keeping myself busy and falling asleep on accident, with the tv on.
My childhood had been fairly rocky. Both of my parents loved me but my dad had some big struggles with alcohol/drugs and he would relapse every 5 years. I also believe I was sexually abused (not by a family member) because of some vague memories I had. Well, I went to counseling and I worked through a lot of the issues I felt like I was facing and my anxiety seemed to kind of go away. For 5 years I've been able to just go to sleep and my only really big fear seemed to be airplanes. Otherwise, I felt like I was doing alright. Looking back, it seems like I wasnt actually all better, just really good at hiding the anxiety I was feeling.
About 3 weeks ago I had my first ever panic attack. I had fallen asleep on the couch for about 30 minutes and when my gf got home, she woke me up to say hi. I sat up and all of the sudden my head felt funny, I got really hot and felt like I was going to throw up. Nothing felt right and I didnt know what to do with myself. I told my gf about it and she was completely supportive and wanted to do what was best for me so we went for a drive and I started to calm down a little bit (not much) and then all of the sudden, another wave hit and I asked to go to the ER. I felt the most miserable I ever have in my life and I was so scared. When a wave would hit, it was all I could do to cope and then when it would go away, I still wouldnt feel good but it was a little more tolerable. The doctor that treated me at the ER was a really nice guy and very sympathetic to anxiety. He talked to me about what was going on and told me that I had a panic attack. He gave me a prescription for bus par and also a phenergran (sp?) shot to help with the nausea and sleeping. I slept that night and woke up the next day and felt kind of anxious, scared of having another attack, and very drugged but otherwise ok. The day after felt a little better and time helped me get to feeling mostly good again. I would have little bouts of anxiety but I would take a bus par when I needed to and I was able to get through a stressful week like that. (My best friend is a single mom and I was up at the hospital with her from the moment she checked in and I was in the room through her c-section and stayed to help out for 5 nights).
Well, on the night before Thanksgiving, I had another panic attack. I had done a lot of reading and talking and I was trying to approach each wave of panic with a "breathe in and say peace, breathe out and say calm" approach. I tried writing things down a bit and I tried pacing some. I also took a bus par but it never really helped. The only thing that helped was that I finally fell asleep. The next day I woke up and had anxiety all day and the day after that was the same. I would be ok for awhile but had bouts of anxiety over and over and over again. From when I woke up until I fell asleep. On Saturday evening I had a terrible panic attack again. It felt worse than the first one and I ended up asking my gf to take me to the ER because I was just so SO miserable. The ER gave me a xanax and told me that I should follow up with the mental health team the next day. So Sunday I went to the hospital and got assessed by the mental health team. They determined that I didnt need to be admitted to the hospital but said that I should follow up with a place here that has services for people with no insurance. They said that I should regularly take the bus par and that I should take a xanax if needed in the mean time.
I called the company today and they dont have appts available until the end of December but they do have a walk-in service and I am going to try that tomorrow.
The biggest thing is that I am so miserable and overwhelmed. I understand that its panic and that it cant harm me and I understand that its anxiety. I understand all of the literature that I've read. I just cannot stand that its been 5 days and I have anxiety from when I wake up until I go to bed. Nowhere feels safe. Nothing feels ok. I dont feel like certain people help or certain situations help. I just struggle with it all day long. Its SOOOO hard! It seems like I am constantly thinking about anxiety. Assessing my body to see if I am having anxiety, worrying about having panic again, not eating much because I feel terrible, worrying some more and then having a panic attack at the end of it.
It seems like it never goes away and I feel like I wont ever be like my old self again.
Today was the most normal I've felt in several days and I've still had a lot of moments of thinking about anxiety, feelings of being overwhelmed by the anxiety...and then tonight I started to get panicky and I started pacing and got it under control just barely but as soon as its under control just a little bit, I feel like sobbing because of how overwhelmed and frustrated I am.
There has been a lot of turmoil in my life in the past couple of years (a few not so good relationships-
I felt like I was having a problem with showing emotions and I kind of feel like I went through enough stress that I got to a breaking point and 7 or 8 months ago I started crying and now everything makes me cry.
I'm sorry this is so long, I really would appreciate any advice and would love to be a support to other people as time goes on. I am holding onto the hope that this will get better! I'm so overwhelmed in the meantime though. Thank you so much for listening!
~Christy
have a panic attack is that it will pass
whether it passes quickly or slowly
depends whether I drop the idea of it
being dangerous or not.
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